AH, and the office nerd-dom has reach another hight --One of my supervisors came into my part of the honours office yesterday, and along with the other guy who works in my "corner" proceeded to have a lengthy discussion about cheese and wine and all things digestible. After several hours we all agreed (that is once the entire office became involved in the conversation) that once a month we could have a cheese and wine day - meaning instead of doing the stuff that the uni pays us for, we'll spend it eating cheese, and drinking wine, though the engineer in me thinks that beer may have to come into the equation. This could become problematic for me as my work on Fridays is from 5 til 9, as it always is every other day of the week, but how I can withstand the pressure of university funded binging? AH, I suppose the only thing to say is where there is a will, there is a way.

On my rant from last week, I am still of the opinion that the world is very very wrong. How can people sit by and just allow things that we all know effect people outside our own little world to occur. Although I agree that peoples opinions are slowly diverging, and that is half of the problem that we face, should it be considered that you still have to actually care in some way or another, and shouldn't there be something of an accord between those who believe in the enlightenment of others, and those who care only for themselves? I almost believe that a majority of my hatred for others isn't based on me being totally insane, but on the fact that I feel that people are too apathetic towards the world, and this apathy is what turns me off and make me feel resentment and dislike. When you meet someone else who seems to care about what is going on and how flawed the world is, it is almost shocking. Most of my friends in the office are totally based on their research, and don't have much interest in the goings on outside themselves, although they do seem to enjoy the topic of social interactions and social structures amusing. I was scared that I was lapsing into imagined selfishness and insinuation, though considering how the last few months have been, this might not be a bad thing. Mums ashes are being scattering on Friday next week. I still don't think I've told anyone outside the people who absolutely have to know. I really don't want to deal with sympathy, real or faked. The world is too frustrating to add that to it as well.

Having said that, I though, only because I know that nobody I know reads my blog, I share my little joy - which I find totally at odds with the world, and totally unexpected. I have to unfortunately do chemistry classes this semester - one is a first year fundamentals that I( for unknown reasons) was unable to pass in my actual first year - something I am mystified about as so far I have aced the course, and am unable to work out where the hard stuff factors in..... Hmmm. The other chemistry class I did out of interest, one of my favourite lecturers started a new course and I joined in ( food chemistry, never thought I'd see the day), and this has been equally as interesting. ANYHOW, before I get sidetracked, I walked into my first class, and was setting up the equipment, when 'she' walked in. I don't know if you can ever say someone 'blew' your breath away, but she did. So much so, that I wasn't able to talk to her during the first class (a first believe me, usually you can't shut me up, and most of my lecturers have gotten use to my inessent questioning, and know me by name), and just kinda "bubbled" though the class. I think the week between these classes was the longest I'd ever had, as I could only think of somehow getting her to come out at least to lunch after class with me. Come the next lab, somehow I managed to 1 - talk to her, and 2-ask her out for lunch (which, since it was 1130, was a bit funny). And throughout lunch (which was at a little place in hardware lane - 'beetroot'), I couldn't stop talking... nervous again. Somehow, she seemed to enjoy my almost constant chattering, and along with teasing me about being 'skinny boy', also informed me that I talk allot :/. But then on what Ill call our first date, the shoe changed, and she out talked me 100:1. And is it sad to say that, although she is gorgeous, the most amazing thing is her eyes, they emit something that is both calming and reassuring, like black pearl which has hard edges but are still somehow unblemished and perfect.

Although I haven't changed my previous opinion, I have to say that I do believe in what Camus writes and what Evaf posulates - feelings can never be converted to words, and although nothing is written in absolute terms, verything is heading towards something - choas simply cannot be - 'god does not play dice'.

Oh well, as my supervisor is coming back to Melbourne on Monday (he has spent the last two months in Italy (uni pays again) talking about Quantum mechanics, and eating (by his own admission) vast amounts of really really ridiculously good Italian food) I may start talking about my project, which while it is going well-ish, has a long way to come and where else is it better to meander the meaning of Monte Carlo than here?

There is something really wrong with the world

There is something wrong with the world. I keep looking at how our world works today, and it really doesn't make sense. Stupid, illogical rules that are guaranteed to put people offside appear everywhere and there doesn’t seem to be anyone questioning them. There are several examples that I'd like to focus on: Money, Education and Social interaction. Money. The concept behind money is a good one: place ones worth in something tangible, and then use it the purchase someone else's worth. The problem is it is also the idea method of control. Nobody has the will to try out a different pattern, a different method or different measure because nobody can think of a better way. Well, come people have thought of other ideas, without taking into account that a majority of people are greedy, selfish and stupid. Even those who claim to be clever are just as prone to these traits, and more often than not, they are more likely to be the ones that you preserve as the above. Money has become more depressing as time has gone on. First there were loans, bribes and interest, now there is credit, overdraft and 'variables' in contracts that allow organisations that have horded money over the centuries to chase and prosecute you where ever you go. Credit is the creation of the devil, because it allows people, who in any other situation would be honest, to become vindictive and aggressive: and totally obtuse. People angrily blame the banks for issue them with credit when they should have said no, and the refuse to pay it back (although they spent it) because, again, it was the banks fault. And these same people won't feel guilt, because the bank isn't a person. Actually, allot of these people probably wouldn't feel guilt even if it was, and seem to enjoy lecturing about the moral obligations of others towards them. Education. It seems that the idea of education was born out of the upper end of society, because the more people I come in contact with, the more I am made to realise just how little value is place on someone being interested in something other sport or drinking. Indeed, the major goal of my 21 year old brother was "to have a wife, house and job." Again, this is what he wants at 21. Talking to some of the students I teach, I have realised that allot of them have exactly the same dream, even though they say they want to learn, a majority of them only want to do the degree to meet people, and to find the "one". The "one", the exactly right person for you, doesn't actually exist -- The entire concept of true love was made up to sell bras, or more accurately, to sell bra ads to bra companies (thank you Mad Men. If you haven't watched this already, I would recommend it). Everyone is convinced that their experience is absolute and that they know that there is someone out there for them; some people even cheat on the ones they "know" are for them simply because they need to feel someone else(A 에 대한 증오를 향한 당신), and really do excuse their actions due to this. Others simple don’t know what they want, and continually draw things out that should be ended, and state that they will never feel the same about anyone else again. Then there are those who proscribe to the theory that every moment is unrelated to the ones before, so you should live as if the current moment is your last. Yet this can't be true, as a truly random world would never produce the number of coincidences in such as small part of time and space as what a single person expenses in their life alone. Although I don't believe in god, I do believe that the overall chaos this reality is governed by some overarching law and this law dictates what people are going to turn out like, who they are going to connect to and the actions they take. Although I hope everything isn’t set in stone, I think that the overall world must be set in clay, which can be shaped by the chaos that surrounds life.

Social interaction, this feeds off what I was talking about before. People interact with each other on a strange level. I know that I have been spoilt in my life, as far as I have never dealt with someone I didn't want to deal with, and if someone I had liked become unlinked, I have been able to not deal with them again through simple process of non-interaction. But that has change remarkably, and it is mostly due to me being forced to come out of my shell at the ending of my last major relationship. I had a set of rules and actions that I would follow into every situation, and they had served me for all intents and purposes well until then. Once I started to really pay attention to the world around me, really started to interact with more than the people I simply had to deal with, I started to realise just how native I had been until then, and just how sheltered I had been. Dating, something that I had only really done twice before - one ended after about a month, the other went on for four years was even more of a shock. The myth that every guy really just wants sex at all times is not that true - most of the time when faced with a choice of short or long, most choose long, only because it lends self-worth. When faced with situations involving more than the single person, the left loathing comes into it in a major way - why am I not good enough to be the "one". Allot of the people I talk to think this, and allot of the apparent "playboys" are simply overcompensating for this simple reason. Again, they are driven, with a few exceptions, by the simple dream of a picket fence, and don't understand why they aren't good enough to keep. The girls that I've talked to always repeat the same line "he simply wasn't the one". Some more interesting variations are that the boy has flaws that are unworkable (so why did you go out with him in the first place?) that their family put pressure on them (most interesting being a mother of one of my friends stated that her boyfriend wasn't good enough looking for her..... then again her mother tells her that she is a sl*t, even though I think this is her first boyfriend in her 22 years.... weird). But, I suppose if something makes you happy, you should do it... not always the safest routes, but you can't take the smoothest road unless it is by chance.

I've finished my rant for today; I might put some Quantum notes on tomorrow simply to help me think. Oh, and me and the other guys in my office have reach a new level of nerdom==the printer started breaking down yesterday, so instead of calling maintenance, we all stood around trying to work out the wave function of the printed pages..... We went so far to start taking down numbers. Then our supervisor, who keeps a punch card calculator in his office because it is interesting, walked into the room and called us nerds... We sucked up stating it was his good influence that caused this.... Ah nerdom in the office. Lovely.

Trial by fire

Four exams in four days... Lucky that the weekend is in the middle!